Five Things I Learned From the Movies: Makeover Edition

1) All you really need to do to look fabulous is to take off those dowdy glasses. Removing a pair of glasses can be the difference between the sleepy-eyed mope of Henry Kissinger and the squinty-eyed beauty of Renee Zellweger. (Note: You actually won't look bad at all with the glasses on. The audience, however, has a blindness to your visually impaired ass and will not be able to see your "true inner beauty" until you remove the glasses.)

Example: Rachel Leigh Cook as Laney Boggs in She's All That

2) Asthma is apparently not a medical condition but a psychological disorder that is easily cured by sudden onset of "coolness". (Note to self: Cancel appointment with physician. Schedule appoinment with psychologist.)

Example: Sean Astin as Mikey Walsh in The Goonies

3) A man in drag is never recognizeable unless he wills it so or is revealed through hilarious circumstance. It does not matter how much or how little makeup is applied. It does not matter if you could spot his Adam's Apple from a mile away. It does not matter if he has adopted the worst falsetto voice in the history of drag. That dress/skirt/pants suit is the perfect camo.

Example: Wesley Snipes as Noxeema Jackson in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar

4) If you are a particularly handsome/beautiful actor/actress (or, at least, are lauded as being so) then "ugging it up" in a dramatic role will almost certainly guarantee you a nomination if not the Oscar you so desperately crave. This could range anywhere from a horribly misshapen miscreant to someone with a slightly larger nose than your own. (Note: CG effects apply only to minor touch-ups. Completely rendering a CG skin over the actor's body, though preserving their performance, results in immediate disqualification.)

Example: Nicole Kidman as Virginia Woolf in The Hours

5) Sometimes an "image makeover" for an actor can be a good thing and bring about newfound success in their career. Sometimes, though, it can be a worse disaster than typecasting. Actors, please, know your limits. We all sympathize with your plight but that is no reason to subject us to the worst of your abilities.

Examples of an actor attempting to expand their horizons:

Good - Jamie Fox as Max in Collateral
Bad - Elizabeth Berkley as Nomi Malone in Showgirls
??? - Ray Liotta as Gallian in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale